My Anger

10 Nov

Sigh.

I still miss my dad. In a day, it’ll be two months since he’s been gone. I suppose if I had Googled the stages of dealing with grief, I would have been well aware of what I’d be going through. I was extremely angry my dad had left. How could he just up and leave us, leave me, like that? All other emotions became a blur through my constant teary eyes. I was very emotional, up and down, angry and depressed.

I thought my dad didn’t love me or show he cared for me but in reality, he did the best he could. I grew up with “old school” parents who didn’t show much emotion unless I did something wrong. I don’t remember them ever saying “I love you.” I guess I was too pissed about him leaving to see it, that’s just how he was raised. I was left with wishing I had more time with him, more hellos, more hugs, more smiles, more conversations.

Things I said I was going to do, I didn’t…

So anger transitioned to regret. My dad wanted me to bake him a cake or cupcakes. He brought the mix and frosting home one day and asked me if I could do it and I said it would. This was Halloween last year. Orange cake and frosting. I was a few months pregnant, busy with school, and exhausted 24/7. I found the mix and frosting recently while unpacking, waves of guilt. I did bake him cornbread with honey and butter which he enjoyed but still, I wish I had baked him the cake he wanted. I feel so guilty, all of the time. I feel like I’m such a terrible f’ing person.

Death is incredibly difficult to deal with. There are times I wish someone would just ask me how I’m doing with my dad’s passing. I wish someone would sit, listen, and advise me.  Instead I just deal with this anger, sadness, guilt alone, writing away on a blog hoping someone will help me feel better. I get asked the general question of how I’m doing, what’s new – But I feel I’m ruining their day/mood by bombarding them with talk about death and mourning.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my hubby and mom, I just don’t want to bother them. My mom is understandably having a difficult time with this, she does call everyday vice/versa. I’m alone all day with my baby and dog (my kids), most of the day I don’t talk to anyone. I wonder, am I a needy friend or are my friends just not as great as I thought? I have such a small circle anyway. A hello would be nice… But I feel like I’m all alone. I’ve thought about joining a “mommy forum.” Hubby’s great idea. Maybe it’ll help.

I’ve learned to enjoy what I have while I have it and to make the most of it. I’ve learned to let go of anger, to make amends. 2013 went from being such a wonderful year of bringing a new life into this Universe to a somber year, my dad’s life gone. When I miss my dad, I talk to him, tell him I’m sorry, I miss him, love him. I dream about him, it feels so real - I hug him, tell him I miss him. When I wake up, I don’t feel so alone. Sometimes I smell him, his scent. I truly believe he’s around and that makes it a little easier to cope. Everytime I look into my sons eyes, I see my dad – Because my eyes are my dad’s.

I’m trying.

Missing My Dad

8 Nov

October 4, 2013

My dad’s passing is my first experience with someone close dying I should say. I had a friend who was killed in a plane crash a couple years ago. I cried for two weeks and still think of him often.

But what I’m going through with my dad is so intense. It’s so painful. I think about him all the time. Not an hour goes by where I don’t. It’s been almost a month and it still hurts the same. I didn’t think in my heart he was going to die. Now I’m left here without him. Before he was sick, like really sick, I mean a year ago, we had a good relationship. We were like allies here (he didn’t like the way my mom raised the boys). He was proud of me for not depending on my mom/family. He was glad I moved out (I’m the only one who’s flown the nest). He always told me I did a great job of taking care of Cyrus and to never stop. I didn’t take it serious at the time but he was giving me advice on how to make a relationship successful and happy. This year when he got worse he said one hurtful phrase and I was done with it, I was SO angry. I held on to that anger, and without realizing it, I was handling it just like my mom would handle a situation. But I’m nothing like my mom. I’m exactly like my dad. I’m stubborn like him, I react like him, I have his passion, his creativity. I even look like him.

I just miss him so much, I wish he was still here. I can’t even function alone in public without breaking down because I see him everywhere… So I’m weary of being out alone now. I miss him so much, I don’t care about all the bad stuff and the past. I wish I could talk to him one last time.

October

2 Oct

I have been looking forward to October! This month brings a life changing new adventure. It’ll be a complete 180, now that’s exciting.

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CL Find: Vintage Side Table & 2 Drawers

18 Sep

Found these gems on Craig’s List for… Free! I love the vintage two tier side table. I’ve wanted one since I saw a listing not too long ago but was not willing to pay for it. The person who put these out was an artist. The drawers and side table are covered in layers of paint. So we will sand them down, paint, maybe decoupage, and throw on some nice knobs. My head is spinning with endless possibilities. I think we will take this project on a couple months from now. I want to do the side table first. So excited!

Along with these items, I found a few pieces of tiles, granite rocks, new picture frames with matting, vintage wooden tray, and a cork board. Aside from the granite rocks, I have ideas to up-cycle the rest of the items. I see an Etsy account in the near future.

I love CL because you can find what you need for free or pretty darn cheap. I am definitely the creative type, refurbishing furniture and other items seems like it will be a fun hobby. I’m still looking for a book shelf. We have books and other items that need a home. I’d like to find Bear Cub’s books in a neat area rather than rummaging through boxes when we move into our new home. Then again, Dr. Seuss is coffee table material.

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Craig’s List Ikea Side Table Lamp

18 Sep

Well it looks like Hubby and I will be moving soon. We were planning on saving as much as we could and move to the valley but it is extremely difficult living with my family. It’s just a toxic environment. I’ll get into that some other time.

Anyway, I love Craig’s List. I’ve found some really great stuff on there, including pets and jobs. I have been looking for lamps for our new place. Look what I found, it’s so pretty! The gal took good care of the lamp. It is in new condition. A new lamp would have cost $15. I paid $5 cash. I also purchased a white side table from her for $5. Awesome finds, very pleased.

 

White side table from Ikea

White table lamp from Ikea

Ikea Lamp

Tuesday Morning Mourning

16 Sep

On Tuesday, September 10th, my dad passed away. He had been suffering from lung disease for a few years which left irreversible damage. He spent the last month and a half on life support. I am happy that his suffering was over. Not his physical suffering but the mental and emotional anguish that comes with being fully conscious on life support. I couldn’t even fathom his thought process. No one deserved to suffer like that.

My dad wasn’t a great father to me. He lacked communication and compassion amongst other things. Honestly, I’m not even sure if he truly loved me. I know he cared for my Hubby a lot (I was jealous because he never showed me that love). My dad loved my son and that was good enough with me. I mean, you can’t win them all. He might not have cared for me but I did appreciate his enthusiasm for his grandchild. Of course, he loved my mom and brothers. He was a good person, an honest man, an extremely hard worker, never did wrong to others. He was a wonderful soul. So many people loved him.

Will I miss him? Of course. I spent years longing for a loving relationship with him. For a very short while, I think I had it as good as it was going to get. This year, as his health worsened, so did our relationship. I was always wishing for him to be stronger and to get through it. And he was wishing I was more like someone else. What he said made me so angry that I stopped trying. I knew I would never get his approval so I quit altogether. Now here I am, missing something I’m not quite sure I ever had.

Mondays Love

15 Jul

After a long weekend of taking care of Bear Cub, Monday’s are torture.

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