Tuesday Morning Mourning

16 Sep

On Tuesday, September 10th, my dad passed away. He had been suffering from lung disease for a few years which left irreversible damage. He spent the last month and a half on life support. I am happy that his suffering was over. Not his physical suffering but the mental and emotional anguish that comes with being fully conscious on life support. I couldn’t even fathom his thought process. No one deserved to suffer like that.

My dad wasn’t a great father to me. He lacked communication and compassion amongst other things. Honestly, I’m not even sure if he truly loved me. I know he cared for my Hubby a lot (I was jealous because he never showed me that love). My dad loved my son and that was good enough with me. I mean, you can’t win them all. He might not have cared for me but I did appreciate his enthusiasm for his grandchild. Of course, he loved my mom and brothers. He was a good person, an honest man, an extremely hard worker, never did wrong to others. He was a wonderful soul. So many people loved him.

Will I miss him? Of course. I spent years longing for a loving relationship with him. For a very short while, I think I had it as good as it was going to get. This year, as his health worsened, so did our relationship. I was always wishing for him to be stronger and to get through it. And he was wishing I was more like someone else. What he said made me so angry that I stopped trying. I knew I would never get his approval so I quit altogether. Now here I am, missing something I’m not quite sure I ever had.

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