My Anger

10 Nov

Sigh.

I still miss my dad. In a day, it’ll be two months since he’s been gone. I suppose if I had Googled the stages of dealing with grief, I would have been well aware of what I’d be going through. I was extremely angry my dad had left. How could he just up and leave us, leave me, like that? All other emotions became a blur through my constant teary eyes. I was very emotional, up and down, angry and depressed.

I thought my dad didn’t love me or show he cared for me but in reality, he did the best he could. I grew up with “old school” parents who didn’t show much emotion unless I did something wrong. I don’t remember them ever saying “I love you.” I guess I was too pissed about him leaving to see it, that’s just how he was raised. I was left with wishing I had more time with him, more hellos, more hugs, more smiles, more conversations.

Things I said I was going to do, I didn’t…

So anger transitioned to regret. My dad wanted me to bake him a cake or cupcakes. He brought the mix and frosting home one day and asked me if I could do it and I said it would. This was Halloween last year. Orange cake and frosting. I was a few months pregnant, busy with school, and exhausted 24/7. I found the mix and frosting recently while unpacking, waves of guilt. I did bake him cornbread with honey and butter which he enjoyed but still, I wish I had baked him the cake he wanted. I feel so guilty, all of the time. I feel like I’m such a terrible f’ing person.

Death is incredibly difficult to deal with. There are times I wish someone would just ask me how I’m doing with my dad’s passing. I wish someone would sit, listen, and advise me.  Instead I just deal with this anger, sadness, guilt alone, writing away on a blog hoping someone will help me feel better. I get asked the general question of how I’m doing, what’s new – But I feel I’m ruining their day/mood by bombarding them with talk about death and mourning.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my hubby and mom, I just don’t want to bother them. My mom is understandably having a difficult time with this, she does call everyday vice/versa. I’m alone all day with my baby and dog (my kids), most of the day I don’t talk to anyone. I wonder, am I a needy friend or are my friends just not as great as I thought? I have such a small circle anyway. A hello would be nice… But I feel like I’m all alone. I’ve thought about joining a “mommy forum.” Hubby’s great idea. Maybe it’ll help.

I’ve learned to enjoy what I have while I have it and to make the most of it. I’ve learned to let go of anger, to make amends. 2013 went from being such a wonderful year of bringing a new life into this Universe to a somber year, my dad’s life gone. When I miss my dad, I talk to him, tell him I’m sorry, I miss him, love him. I dream about him, it feels so real – I hug him, tell him I miss him. When I wake up, I don’t feel so alone. Sometimes I smell him, his scent. I truly believe he’s around and that makes it a little easier to cope. Everytime I look into my sons eyes, I see my dad – Because my eyes are my dad’s.

I’m trying.

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