Tuesday Morning Mourning

16 Sep

On Tuesday, September 10th, my dad passed away. He had been suffering from lung disease for a few years which left irreversible damage. He spent the last month and a half on life support. I am happy that his suffering was over. Not his physical suffering but the mental and emotional anguish that comes with being fully conscious on life support. I couldn’t even fathom his thought process. No one deserved to suffer like that.

My dad wasn’t a great father to me. He lacked communication and compassion amongst other things. Honestly, I’m not even sure if he truly loved me. I know he cared for my Hubby a lot (I was jealous because he never showed me that love). My dad loved my son and that was good enough with me. I mean, you can’t win them all. He might not have cared for me but I did appreciate his enthusiasm for his grandchild. Of course, he loved my mom and brothers. He was a good person, an honest man, an extremely hard worker, never did wrong to others. He was a wonderful soul. So many people loved him.

Will I miss him? Of course. I spent years longing for a loving relationship with him. For a very short while, I think I had it as good as it was going to get. This year, as his health worsened, so did our relationship. I was always wishing for him to be stronger and to get through it. And he was wishing I was more like someone else. What he said made me so angry that I stopped trying. I knew I would never get his approval so I quit altogether. Now here I am, missing something I’m not quite sure I ever had.


Mondays Love

15 Jul

After a long weekend of taking care of Bear Cub, Monday’s are torture.




14 Jul


Ahhh, Parenthood

8 Jul

I had a baby! Yep, I sure did – In May. I’m just a total slacker. I’ve been lazy about jotting down memories and organizing photos. I’ll just go ahead and blame that on the lack of sleep, and time and well, pure laziness. I had some complications during labor and had to deliver emergency cesarean. That was my first time having surgery other than having my wisdom teeth extracted. As clumsy as I am, I’ve never broken a bone or anything. *Knocks on wood*

So yeah, contractions hurt. A lot. I’ve never experienced such terrible pain in my life. I mean, WOW! I was actually moaning and screaming from the top of my lungs towards the end. The epidural was given later, the doctors wanted to wait and so I just tried to deal with the pain. They administered pain medication via IV which only last 45 minutes. They then gave it to me two more times but it had zero effect. So when the doctors finally gave me the epidural, I felt MUCH better. One thing though, in my Childbirth Preparation class, the instructor said that you don’t really feel the epidural, that it’s just a slight pressure. Um, that was a total lie. I am not ashamed to admit that I yelped out in pain during the procedure. It was a difficult task – Trying to sit still while having mind blowing contractions and crying. Hubby said after the epidural was administered, the charts showed HIGH peaking contractions back to back. Yikes! I guess I got it in time.

The good thing about this is that with my next pregnancy I can have another cesarean which means no contractions and pain. The downside of having a c-section was postpartum recovery. My body was so swollen from all of the IV liquids. I remember trying to pick something up from the floor and feeling the skin stretch on my legs as if they were going to tear apart. It was a little scary. My stomach hurt so much. I was so incredibly sore and exhausted. I didn’t rest much while in the hospital. I was in labor for about 26 hours or so. It was terrible. I don’t have anything other to compare it to but I would want a c-section delivery again. My doctor said a normal birth is absolutely terrible. She pretty much told me not to go that route because I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I think she’s right.
Hubby and mom were there to support me – That’s what got me through it. And the moment the nurse brought my Bear Cub over for a quick glimpse made it all worth it. The rest of the surgery after that took up to 45 minutes to complete. I was so anxious, time went by slow, too slow. I asked the doctor who was watching over me if I could close my eyes and sleep! After surgery, I went into recovery and was able to hold my baby. It was amazing! I was looking at this little ball of fat with incredibly huge eyes looking back at me. I’ll never forget those moments.

Almost 2 months later, Hubby and I have adjusted to parenthood quite well. It was tough at first as expected. Once I accepted that I won’t getting much sleep anymore it got easier and my mood was better. Bear Cub was waking up every 2 hours to feed, it was exhausting. Now it’s a little better. He still mostly gets up every 2 hours but we are used to it now. I really think I lucked out with Hubby. He’s such a good man, husband, and father. He took such good care of me while I was pregnant. Here he is now changing dirty diapers, taking care of feedings, and day/night shifts. He does it all with great enthusiasm. I’m lucky and so is our son. Being a mom gives me such joy. I love my son so much, I can’t even describe with words how I feel about him. He’s such a good baby, he only cries when he’s hungry or needs a changing. Watching him grow and develop is so amazing. We are so blessed. I am so blessed. I finally have my own family.


Things I Will Miss About My Pregnancy

7 Jul

I wrote this in the beginning of April. I totally slacked off and never posted this or added more – And trust me there was much more! Here’s just a handful of what I jotted down. Ahhhh, I really miss being preggy! So many wonderful memories and experiences. It truly was a wonderful journey.

Things I Will Miss About My Pregnancy

1). My waddle. I got so used to waddling around, even shuffling like an old person. Around the house you will hear me shuffling in my raccoon slippers. A normal walk just wouldn’t seem very, well, normal.

2). Freedom to eat sweets and all things bad. This one is terrible, I blame it on my cravings and lack of self control. While grocery shopping, I found Cheetos on sale… “Cheetos are on sale! I’m grabbing some!” really loud, embarrassing as there were a lot of people around. I felt like such a fat bear. After our Bear Cub arrives, I told Hubby, please don’t give in to my demands. I hope he doesn’t as I can be scary!

3). My Take-Along-Everywhere-Bear-Cub. Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I never once felt lonely. Even with Hubby working all the time, and me spending a lot of time alone- I never not once said to myself or felt the emotions of loneliness.

4). Movements in my belly. From the moment I first felt him kick, still even now, there has never been a dull moment. It’s fun balancing objects on my growing belly to watch him kick/punch to move it. Even his hiccups are amazing. There’s a being inside of me who has the hiccups.. And I can feel it!

5). Taking naps and sleeping in. Constantly feeling exhausted, I am ever so grateful to be able to nap and sleep in. One of the many reasons I appreciate my Hubby, giving me the opportunity to stay home and take care of myself (as well as our dog and wife duties). He is a real man, they’re hard to come by these days.

Mother’s Day

13 May


Slow Down

29 Apr

Slow down