Tag Archives: Death

My Anger

10 Nov


I still miss my dad. In a day, it’ll be two months since he’s been gone. I suppose if I had Googled the stages of dealing with grief, I would have been well aware of what I’d be going through. I was extremely angry my dad had left. How could he just up and leave us, leave me, like that? All other emotions became a blur through my constant teary eyes. I was very emotional, up and down, angry and depressed.

I thought my dad didn’t love me or show he cared for me but in reality, he did the best he could. I grew up with “old school” parents who didn’t show much emotion unless I did something wrong. I don’t remember them ever saying “I love you.” I guess I was too pissed about him leaving to see it, that’s just how he was raised. I was left with wishing I had more time with him, more hellos, more hugs, more smiles, more conversations.

Things I said I was going to do, I didn’t…

So anger transitioned to regret. My dad wanted me to bake him a cake or cupcakes. He brought the mix and frosting home one day and asked me if I could do it and I said it would. This was Halloween last year. Orange cake and frosting. I was a few months pregnant, busy with school, and exhausted 24/7. I found the mix and frosting recently while unpacking, waves of guilt. I did bake him cornbread with honey and butter which he enjoyed but still, I wish I had baked him the cake he wanted. I feel so guilty, all of the time. I feel like I’m such a terrible f’ing person.

Death is incredibly difficult to deal with. There are times I wish someone would just ask me how I’m doing with my dad’s passing. I wish someone would sit, listen, and advise me.  Instead I just deal with this anger, sadness, guilt alone, writing away on a blog hoping someone will help me feel better. I get asked the general question of how I’m doing, what’s new – But I feel I’m ruining their day/mood by bombarding them with talk about death and mourning.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my hubby and mom, I just don’t want to bother them. My mom is understandably having a difficult time with this, she does call everyday vice/versa. I’m alone all day with my baby and dog (my kids), most of the day I don’t talk to anyone. I wonder, am I a needy friend or are my friends just not as great as I thought? I have such a small circle anyway. A hello would be nice… But I feel like I’m all alone. I’ve thought about joining a “mommy forum.” Hubby’s great idea. Maybe it’ll help.

I’ve learned to enjoy what I have while I have it and to make the most of it. I’ve learned to let go of anger, to make amends. 2013 went from being such a wonderful year of bringing a new life into this Universe to a somber year, my dad’s life gone. When I miss my dad, I talk to him, tell him I’m sorry, I miss him, love him. I dream about him, it feels so real – I hug him, tell him I miss him. When I wake up, I don’t feel so alone. Sometimes I smell him, his scent. I truly believe he’s around and that makes it a little easier to cope. Everytime I look into my sons eyes, I see my dad – Because my eyes are my dad’s.

I’m trying.


Missing My Dad

8 Nov

October 4, 2013

My dad’s passing is my first experience with someone close dying I should say. I had a friend who was killed in a plane crash a couple years ago. I cried for two weeks and still think of him often.

But what I’m going through with my dad is so intense. It’s so painful. I think about him all the time. Not an hour goes by where I don’t. It’s been almost a month and it still hurts the same. I didn’t think in my heart he was going to die. Now I’m left here without him. Before he was sick, like really sick, I mean a year ago, we had a good relationship. We were like allies here (he didn’t like the way my mom raised the boys). He was proud of me for not depending on my mom/family. He was glad I moved out (I’m the only one who’s flown the nest). He always told me I did a great job of taking care of Cyrus and to never stop. I didn’t take it serious at the time but he was giving me advice on how to make a relationship successful and happy. This year when he got worse he said one hurtful phrase and I was done with it, I was SO angry. I held on to that anger, and without realizing it, I was handling it just like my mom would handle a situation. But I’m nothing like my mom. I’m exactly like my dad. I’m stubborn like him, I react like him, I have his passion, his creativity. I even look like him.

I just miss him so much, I wish he was still here. I can’t even function alone in public without breaking down because I see him everywhere… So I’m weary of being out alone now. I miss him so much, I don’t care about all the bad stuff and the past. I wish I could talk to him one last time.

Tuesday Morning Mourning

16 Sep

On Tuesday, September 10th, my dad passed away. He had been suffering from lung disease for a few years which left irreversible damage. He spent the last month and a half on life support. I am happy that his suffering was over. Not his physical suffering but the mental and emotional anguish that comes with being fully conscious on life support. I couldn’t even fathom his thought process. No one deserved to suffer like that.

My dad wasn’t a great father to me. He lacked communication and compassion amongst other things. Honestly, I’m not even sure if he truly loved me. I know he cared for my Hubby a lot (I was jealous because he never showed me that love). My dad loved my son and that was good enough with me. I mean, you can’t win them all. He might not have cared for me but I did appreciate his enthusiasm for his grandchild. Of course, he loved my mom and brothers. He was a good person, an honest man, an extremely hard worker, never did wrong to others. He was a wonderful soul. So many people loved him.

Will I miss him? Of course. I spent years longing for a loving relationship with him. For a very short while, I think I had it as good as it was going to get. This year, as his health worsened, so did our relationship. I was always wishing for him to be stronger and to get through it. And he was wishing I was more like someone else. What he said made me so angry that I stopped trying. I knew I would never get his approval so I quit altogether. Now here I am, missing something I’m not quite sure I ever had.